Victimize Me
by scorpiaux
Summary: Kataang, OneShot. "The only plus side of Aang leaving is realizing how I need him in my life, even as a friend...I let myself get so attached and dependent. I wonder if he's happy. I wonder if he thinks of me as obsessively as I think of him."


I keep thinking about how stupid it all is.

Our situation now, I mean. Everyone always thought it would be peaches and candy. Aang and I were that close, that happy...and, well...I can't lie. It really _was_ perfect. Perfect perfect perfect...that kind of sickly sweet perfect that really gets under your nails until all you can think about is how great he feels against you in the dark and how his eyes look when there's just the right mix of clouds and sun in the sky, and the way he pronounces certain words, the bend between his neck and his shoulders...and...

There I go again.

I have the biggest issue with this. I'm trying not to think about him, at all. I promised myself I wouldn't. I wasn't going to care. I wasn't going to pay attention. I was going to forget, you know? Just...lose myself. Completely. Pretend he never happened. And I can't complain...I don't have a right to.

In theory, the break-up was _my_ idea. I had wanted to break up with him for an entire month, but every time I went to do it he would have this 'face' he would do.

It's like trying to kill a baby saber-toothed moose lion. Have you ever tried to do it? Just stab its eyes out with a fork. It's impossible, unless you've done it. Doing something bad or wrong or hurtful to Aang is the same. It's like shoving a hot skewer through his heart while he's saying he loves you and would never hurt you or leave you. But I was stupid. You know, this sort of thing always happens to me. Always always always. I have that kind of good-girl stupidity that you never _really_ grow out of. Toph called me a dumb bitch once and I didn't want to believe it...I don't like that language, that attitude. But after what Aang told me last week...after what he did...well, I truly am a dumb bitch. I must be.

You're lost. Let me correct it. Here:

So, I wanted to break up with him for a month because I was realizing that we were getting a little too comfy with each other. I love Aang—really I do...I can't say that I still do now...even if I do...I...okay. Anyway. I was starting to get a little bored. All we did was hang around each other. Go see a play at the theater. Go to lunch. Have a picnic. Talk. Go for tea. Talk. Take a walk around the promenade. Sex. Hold hands while having a picnic after taking a walk. Go see a play at the theater. It's hard to explain it exactly. I wasn't bored of Aang...I was just afraid that soon, we'd both get bored.

So I sat him down and explained it, because he had the right to know what I was feeling, you know? He's fifty percent of the relationship—well, he was. There's nothing there now for either of us to be any percentage of, if that makes any sense. I'm rambling. Point is, we didn't split, even though I wanted to, deep down. I felt it was the right thing to do.

But I couldn't hurt Aang. I didn't want to. If he left, I'd miss him too much. But then...

But then, last week—!

He's such an ass. I'm sorry. I said I wouldn't...but I'm letting it get to me because...well, I cried. And I _know_ what you're thinking: you _wanted_ it...but I didn't. I mean, I did and I didn't. If we _were_ going to end it, I wanted to be the one to do it, not him. How could he? Has he _seen_ me? A bunch of lies, a bunch of fluffy "I don't want to be _that_ guy" and "You _know_ I never want to lose you _as a friend_." I didn't go crazy in front of him, but later I did...I was in my room alone, and it was late...usually he'd be next to me, telling me about his day. It was the first time in a year that he wasn't with me there...I just felt so lonely and stupid, like I had messed up something great, you know? Even though it was him. Even though he's the one who said he wanted to end it. I cried...I cried a lot. I cried until some ridiculous hour in the morning, until I was exhausted. I passed out. Or slept, I can't remember for sure. I just remember Toph there using that unnecessary language and saying we should go shopping because it would make me feel better. We did, and it didn't.

Really, who _am_ I without Aang? I let myself get so caught up with him, so enthralled in every little thing he did...I loved his details, his imperfections, his humor. He was my first, my last, my everything. I always thought it was such an exaggeration when people would go on about 'my universe' and 'my life.' But I feel so empty without Aang here...without him reassuring me that it's going to be okay.

Especially when I made room for it to last forever. I don't know what I did wrong, that's what really makes it hard...I always thought I was perfect for him. Sugary sweet and syrupy perfect. Chocolate-covered strawberries and whipped cream perfect. That kind of gross perfect that sticks to your fingers even after you wash them, twice. And yeah, I wanted to end it first, but I didn't...I stuck with it.

And then he leaves. He just _leaves._

Yesterday I was putting pictures of us away, and all his letters. Toph said it was healthy to get rid of anything and everything that reminded me of him. So I was packing all this stuff in a box, and Toph was behind me egging me on, saying she always knew it was too good to be true. And I accidentally picked up one of his letters from when we were still just friends, and he had written, 'I think your hair looks super pretty in the sun...I hope that doesn't sound creepy or anything. Just, it looks really great. It reminds me of the sand and waves at the beach.'

I laughed. I wanted him back. I'm starting to wonder if it's really like Toph says. "Everyone's replaceable." But the memories never are.

I see him tomorrow to give back all the stuff, and I don't know what's going to happen but I feel stupid, because the thought of even seeing him makes me shiver. I don't know what I'm supposed to feel. But right now everything is so empty and lonely and black...and the only plus side of Aang leaving is realizing how I need him in my life, even as a friend...I let myself get so attached and dependent. I wonder if he's happy. I wonder if he thinks of me as obsessively as I think of him. There are so many unanswered questions in all of this, and it's just stupid...so incredibly stupid. I am mentally capable of moving on, and I can't.

When I was younger, around eleven or so, Sokka and I used to race paper boats in the water. His always won because he could let it go before I did. I loved each paper boat I ever made. I can name them all for you. All the work that went into making it crease the right way, building them with credible structure.

I always hold on too long, even through my doubts, my insecurities, my fears. I always look out for the other person more than myself, and in the end I end up like this, writing at three or four in the morning with a cup of cold, caffeinated tea in my lap, and Toph snoring on my mattress because she doesn't want to leave me alone. She says I might be suicidal. But really? I'm not crazy. I don't care that he left, possibly forever. I don't care. Really I don't.

Okay.

I mean, I do care. Just...

I'm trying to be strong, trying to weather it out, figure things. He left so much unanswered and open...and now I'm left here. Naked on the edge of a beach without someone to bring me clothes. At the end of a sword, blindfolded, tied up. I'm fourteen again and he's twelve and we're feeling around stupidly for the feelings that threaten to erupt every time we see each other. I was his everything; he was my everything. And even if it didn't last as long as we all thought it would, I really want to hope that it didn't just mean nothing. That there's some thread of hope in it all. Toph would tell me to quit it with the hope thing, but it's an important piece of our relationship, you know? It's just important.

I have to pack up his stuff, along with this thing that I'm writing now. I'm not sure why I wrote it. Maybe in the future I'll dig it up, or I'll give it to Aang's next serious girlfriend as a warning: WILL DROP YOU AFTER GETTING YOU THIS HIGH ON HIS LOVE. She'll appreciate it even though she won't listen. I'm the crazy ex. The ex. The 'just friend'...the break up.

I can't believe him. And it wouldn't bother me that much if I hadn't handed him my heart on a plate with a ribbon and a bow. And a knife and fork. Here, take this, eat me, destroy me, victimize me.

I insist.


End file.
